Dreams (Draft)

When I was sixteen
I dreamt of dark grey cobblestones and tumbling forward
Tumbling towards the bricks
Of being pushed and hit from behind
Each impact propelling me forwards
But my skin never striking the ground

I dreamt of vague shadowy figures
A mass of violently twisting humans
Swarming around me
Surrounding me

I dreamt of blood and tiny dots of rhythm
Patterns on the sharp white porcelain
Red
White
Red
Hands under foaming taps
The shocked silence of mind
And a slow numbness

I dreamt of photographic paper
Shiny and white
A single sheet growing larger
Expanding until it filled the room
Getting darker and darker
Until the whole page is black

+++

When I was fourteen
I dreamt of rats
Crawling through the wallspace behind my head
Listening to my thoughts
And drawing plans against me

Tiny rodent hands
Moving with absolute precision
Creating the machinery
Of my oblivion
Miniscule bombs
Bear traps
Dart guns made from loose wires
Fierce grins
And harsh whiskers

+++

When I was six
I dreamt of an old woman
Running me over in a four wheel drive
And swearing at me
While my spinal column
Dripped out onto the pavement
Like spaghetti

I kept trying to gather up the spaghetti
Shovelling it in tiny hands
Back towards the hole in my neck
Until I was covered in tomato sauce

+++

When I was nine
I dreamt of my father’s fist
Ploughing through the wall like a battering ram
The plaster popped and splintered
Around his hard knuckles
Sending a white dust into the air

I dreamt of the expression on his face
The fierce roar of a steam locomotive
Exploding from his mouth and nostrils
With each thundering assault on the soft barrier between us

I dreamt of bloodstains
At the edge of each hole
Each ragged wound in our decaying house
Sizzling and burning
From the cancer

+++

When I was twelve
I dreamt the words
Hot wet cunt
And woke confused and ashamed despite my ignorance

+++


When I was nineteen
I dreamt of the desert
Long sheets of glass
Glistening in the sun
Scorpions and crows in the distance
A wild camel
Convulsing
Choking on a rock
And spraying blood over the dunes
As he desperately dried to cough it up

+++

When I was twenty-two
I dreamt of apocalypse
Of falling captive to the victors
And being enslaved deep underground

I dreamt of being tortured while wearing dark glasses
Sharp needles sending me through time
Spiralling nausea
As the years bunched up inside me
Hands groping for my destination
Then light
A breeze
Soft welcoming skin
But wait
That was just a movie

+++

When I was seventeen
I dreamt of riding the train
Late into the night
Passengers bubbling at the edges
A woman slumped in the seat beside me
Jolting awake at each station then returning to a drug addled void
A young boy tugging at her sleeve
Her son
Crying for her to wake as her concrete form swayed back and forwards in time with the train
Then the squeal of brakes
The grinding of doors sliding open
And the child screaming:
Hold the doors
Hold the fucking doors
Hold the fucking doors, This is our stop
And the mother awake
Stammering with vomit on her lips
Pushing her child towards the door
Pushing him out into the night
And the child screaming:
Hold the fucking doors
Waiting for his mother to step out

+++

When I was twenty-three
I dreamt of drinking bleach
Taking the liquid into my mouth
And holding it there
While the burning began
Feeling the blisters build in my throat
And the dull aching in my stomach

I dreamt of the
The unquenable thirst
And frantic rush for water
While looking to see who would come
An angel or the reaper
Only to find myself
Alone on the bathroom floor
With blood slowly dripping from my nose

+++

When I was twenty-one
I dreamt of a cancer patient
Asking me for change
At melbourne central station
Except I didn’t know she was a cancer patient
So I told her to fuck off
Then she started to cry
And all the other people came to help her
And I felt like a real cunt
But I didn’t know that she had cancer
I thought that she was just a bum
Trying to sell me some used cigarettes and chip packets

They all looked at me
With sparks and disgust in their eyes
Thinking: Look at that cunt

What a shit dream